Saturday, 31 March 2012

Possible Future Films for Milla Jovovich

A question for you: Is Milla Jovovich the nearest thing we have to a female Jason Statham? I mean this entirely in terms of her film choices, not that she looks like Jason Statham dressed as a woman - if such an entity did exist I am completely sure James Clayton would already have married it.

As some of you are doubtless aware, Jovovich makes plenty of films that don't consist of slow-motion shots of her balletic dissection of necrotising spectres. However, these are not widely distributed outside of America an by contrast, the Resident Evil films in which she plays Alice are massively popular worldwide (with a huge audience in both the USA and Japan).

If you think of Milla Jovovich, chances are it'll either be through her association with this series, or her performance as Leeloo in The Fifth Element. She is more renowned for the arse kicking films she makes with her husband, Paul W. S. Anderson, than movies such as Famke Janssen's debut feature, or dramas with Robert de Niro and Edward Norton, so this list will try to reflect that.

Film #1: Without Faith
Director: Paul W. S. Anderson
Supporting Cast: Jude Law, Jeff Goldblum, Sean Pertwee, Lucy Punch.

In the year 2777 humankind has explored much of the Milky Way. Now, for the first time, a manned mission beyond our galaxy is launched. The SS Belieber (named in honour of the Earth's greatest living artist) is designed to provide future generations of explorers with comfortable living standards until they arrive in the next galaxy. After that, they're on their own. When they do arrive, they find something more terrible than they could ever have imagined: a godlike being who claims to have created the Earth, and feeds on prayers.

Initially astounded, then ecstatic, the crew of The Belieber soon become really very terrified indeed. For they have found proof of God. Proof denies faith. Without faith, It is nothing. Proof cannot be allowed to escape.

Or in other words, it's Event Horizon but with God instead of Satan. But, on the bright side, it's Event Horizon with God instead of Satan. I haven't decided if Milla Jovovich plays the scientist desperately trying to transmit proof of God's existence back to Earth or if she will be playing God. Or both. One thing is for sure: Jeff Goldblum is going to play a nervous wisecracking scientist who goes a bit crazy and starts mutilating himself. Jude Law will probably get his balls out, and then explode. Possibly in that order.

Film #2: The Deptford Mice
Director: Paul W. S. Anderson
Supporting Cast: Colin Salmon, Sue Johnstone, Tim Curry, Ewan Bremner, Peter Sallis, Orlando Bloom.

Based on Robin Jarvis' children's book trilogy, this film will mark something of a departure for director Anderson, making both an animated and a children's film for the first time. This is a dark fantasy, though, rather than a fun romp for all of the family. Under the streets of Deptford, the dark god worshipped by rats creates an atmosphere of all pervading fear in the sewers. Sorcery, death, and terror await the family and friends of the mouse, Albert Brown. Audrey Brown, his daughter, is not a little angry to hear from cheeky city mouse, Piccadilly, that Albert has almost certainly met his death at the hands of the evil god, Jupiter.

It is not a happy book. You don't generally expect anthropomorphic animals to commit suicide. It'd fit Anderson's style better than many children's stories, and while we're perhaps best not to expect an entirely faithful adaptation in terms of tone and content, it'd at least give them a film they could watch with their daughter without having to explain why Colin Salmon just fell into approximately eighty-six very regular pieces. Probably. To be honest, they could probably have a mouse being cut to pieces after being swept through a sharpened drain grille if they wanted to.

Film #3: Minesweeper
Director: Paul W. S. Anderson
Supporting Cast: Bernard Hill, Alison Steadman, Sting, Benedict Wong.

If Battleships can be a film, so can bloody Minesweeper.

It is the future. A bit. I don't know. 2090 or something. The world has still not recovered from the recession earlier in the century, and so Thunderbirds and Stingray and all that have completely failed to happen. Instead, to cut down on a crowded prison population, criminals will be forced to take part in Minesweeping tournaments. Old football grounds (all Premiership footballers having bought the Moon and sodded off to live there) are now home to the new sport of Minesweeping, where the pitch is divided up into squares with a certain number of mines on it. Using logical deduction, the player has to traverse the AI-enhanced pitch without setting off any of the mines. The winning team of eleven is the one who has more players left at the end of it.

Some fans are gloryhunters, supporting the more successful prisons, and others stay loyal to their local team. It is, however, a wonderful new sport for the masses. Such a shame, then, that shady businessmen are looking to take it and turn it into a plaything of the nouveau riche. Can longterm players of the game, including Milla Jovovich's taciturn Alyssa (whose terrible crime is never revealed), resist the encroaching stain of professionalism?

Film #4: Hidden Hills
Supporting Cast: John C. Reilly, Cher, Heather Graham, Joaquin Phoenix, Jodelle Ferland, Mark Wahlberg, Sam Elliott.

Rich, cantankerous former athlete and property tycoon Jeclan Brommely is dying. His wife, socialite and former model Andromeda Brommely isn't sure how to present this in the ongoing docudrama about her daughters, Anemone and Persephone, and their attempt to rebuild their lives following the decline of their acting and music careers. Jeclan has one ambition left: to build a watercourse from his house to the sea, so that he may construct a longboat to be set ablaze and then finally drift out to the ocean.

Show Runner Brian Ridgewater is unhappy. So is aspiring dancer Kassie Barnton. In the latter's case it is because the route will demolish the home she brings up her sister in, and in the former's case because if the Brommely sisters are not the focus he may well be fired. Meanwhile, rock star Chud Toag is trying to find inspiration for his solo album from the sights he sees all around him, and Horror maestro George Borland is filming the latest entry in his decreasingly popular Flesh Seekers series. All of these events dovetail together, as each character goes on a journey of self-discovery (not necessarily for the better), culminating in Jeclan's flaming funeral pyre sliding down the gangway and crushing the head of either Brian Ridgewater, or a dummy filled with pig offal that has been stolen from the set of Coterie of Flesh Seekers as a number of the cast struggle to free themselves from the ship's hold, filled with Jeclan's worldly possessions.

March 2012

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