Wednesday, 5 September 2012

The R-Patz Factz

What is Robert Pattinson?
No-one truly knows.
Until now:

  • Robert Pattinson's first job was cleaning out the Queen's hutch.
  • Robert Pattinson has submitted fourteen comics to 2000 AD, all featuring Robot Pattinson, a charismatic acting-bot who solves sexy crimes.
  • Robert Pattinson thinks Ebony and Ivory is a really meta-textual song: 'It's a song about pianos, for pianos'.
  • Robert Pattinson spurned a whale.
  • Robert Pattinson bathes in Calippo melt water.
  • Robert Pattinson once wrote to contemporary President George W. Bush with a suggestion of ways to ease Africa's chronic debt problems by allowing the afflicted continent to collectively pay back all loans with grains of sand numerically equivalent to the number of pounds they owed Western countries. He is eagerly awaiting a response.

These are just a selection of the true lies about the manigma that is Robert Pattinson. 

A fuller selection, in the form of a .pdf, is available below for the sum of £2.

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