Wednesday, 5 September 2012

The R-Patz Factz

What is Robert Pattinson?
No-one truly knows.
Until now:

  • Robert Pattinson's first job was cleaning out the Queen's hutch.
  • Robert Pattinson has submitted fourteen comics to 2000 AD, all featuring Robot Pattinson, a charismatic acting-bot who solves sexy crimes.
  • Robert Pattinson thinks Ebony and Ivory is a really meta-textual song: 'It's a song about pianos, for pianos'.
  • Robert Pattinson spurned a whale.
  • Robert Pattinson bathes in Calippo melt water.
  • Robert Pattinson once wrote to contemporary President George W. Bush with a suggestion of ways to ease Africa's chronic debt problems by allowing the afflicted continent to collectively pay back all loans with grains of sand numerically equivalent to the number of pounds they owed Western countries. He is eagerly awaiting a response.

These are just a selection of the true lies about the manigma that is Robert Pattinson. 

A fuller selection, in the form of a .pdf, is available below for the sum of £2.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

A Scornful List

10. Arcade Fire

Mimsy bag for life guff whimperers neigh-neighing organic hued rodents of melody arse-thru-navel to be snorted by dish cloth wearing vinyl snobs semis in hand and wide-ons a-tweeze. Kill cows in front of them for sport, shop at Amazon just to bring down their favourite boutiques. Fans must be sterilised, singer must be welded to his guitar so he can't quite reach the strings, all future gigs must be played in pits beneath herds of incontinent elephants on curry-benders.

Vulpine. Gits. Shitsheaths. Beige sages. To be drowned. In bees.

9. Doctor Who

It's not The WireThe Wire it's not. No. Everything should be THE WIRE. It's perfect. I love it. I put my sex parts through the holes in the DVD and it makes me complete. It's the best thing ever. And Doctor Who is silly bright colours kiddy friendly Timmy Mallett 'Everything's Not Lost' by Coldplay shiny burpy NODEATHNODEATHlalala ooh it's wacky. I hate wacky. I hate ribald. I hate purity. I hate goodness. I want everything corrupt. WHY ISN'T TV ENTIRELY SERIOUS ALL THE TIME god I hate JOY.

8. Brave

Racist supbar past-mongrel dainty felch nationalism sodden pissflap-of-a-let-down avec accent disparity and dismemberment of past glories how dare they how dare they be merely above average may as well have killed Nemo by being consensually bummed to death by seagulls that's the legacy of Brave that's it right there dead flopping bloodied prolapsed Nemo right there you failed Ellen de Generes YOU FAILED he's dead GRAAAH seagulls.

7. Stewart Lee

Lazy quiet loud (don't look up) excuse hypocrite denial powered aggrandising of 'act' not pure like Frankie cut with bullplop one joke cut with bullplop and stretched out like a frog at a dissection is frog dissecting funny is it is it only if you went to a posh school you elitist fud how would you like it lee how would you like it i bet you'd like sick fuck seagulls SEAGULLS seaguls that's you that is see there's a joke from when you were last relevent

why can't you be more like russell kane the peoples' bell end

6. Lauren Laverne

she's only on this list as the token female

5. Edward Monkton

ooh it's a biscuit + kooky message but biscuits are not in and of themselves funny monkton how have you made money from this i disagree i bet you eat dormice i bet you cruch dormice and spit bones and divine messages of such crushing twensity you instantly have bukkake beatrix potter friday even though it is monday monkton you scab

4. Julian Assange

his nob is the new 9/11 (it's a conspiracy)

3. Batman

Neo-con pussy

2. your mother

Neo-con pussy

1. This list

It used to be good but now it's shite BOOK DEAL?